Things I Do Not Understand

I am a smart person.

That's not a maxim I tell myself to feel good; it's a fact.

Could I be smarter? Of course. Have I forgotten many of the things I've learned? I have been remiss in keeping up with my calculus. Do I still have problems with the proper application of a comma from time to time? Naturally, but who doesn't, really? Yet none of those things change the fact that literally fives of Internet IQ tests put me into the 'Genius' range for brain-power (and since it happened on the Internet, you know it's true.)

Still, in spite of my above average mental-wattage, there are many things that I do not understand. The Platonic model for rhetorical criticism. Computer software coding languages. The precise optimal ratio of watering vs. not watering houseplants. How to do that fold-a-shirt-with-one-movement-of-the-wrist thing. People who like Justin Bieber (sorry beliebers...I just don't get you.)

Another thing that I just can't make sense of is circular beds. Who decided that would be a good idea? Who said to themselves, 'This bed is too rectangular! I can't sleep in this bed! I need something that does not approximate my body's general shape in any way to achieve maximum comfort!' Did they try other shapes first? Was there a failed triangular bed experiment before the success of the circular bed came through?

Plus, how are you supposed to make the bed? It's hard enough to get a fitted sheet onto a bed with corners! And can you imagine trying to fold such a monstrosity? What about the flat sheet, where do you tuck it in? Should one simply designate an arc which shall be considered the 'end' of the bed, or must the bed-maker forgo the sheet-tucking in naïve hope that the sheets will just magically stay on the bed by themselves? Because that's bound to happen on a bed that doesn't even have perceivable sides. Don't even get me started on pillow placement.

A circular bed is also widely impractical in that most rooms tend to be some form of rectangular-based shaped. Are you supposed to snug it into a corner and just give up the extra bit as wasted space? Is it supposed to sit along one wall like the wall is a tangent? Should the round bed be placed in the middle of the room for circumnavigational purposes? Supposing the last is true (as seems to me the case in any round-bed setup I've ever seen,) what is the optimal nightstand position? The side nearest a wall for electrical plugin availability? The side farthest from the wall for increased circumnavigational spacial relations? Against the nearest wall and not next to the bed at all?

I think part of the problem for me as well is that when I think about a circular bed I can't help but think about that scene in Mars Attacks! where Martin Short's character is trying to coerce the tall, scary alien lady onto his round, rotating bed; and then he tries to take out her gum, and she bites his his finger off and spits it into the fish tank, because she's really not a tall, pretty lady with a beehive but a big-headed alien chewing CO₂ gum with plans for world domination. That or shag carpet, cheap satin sheets, and bow-chicka-wow-wow. You know what I'm talking about.

I actually just bought new sheets for my bed recently and I thought about getting some black satin sheets, because, strangely, they were among the cheapest available. But I thought to myself, 'Black satin sheets: secret delight in the luxury of it all or secret shame in that you have the sheets described in a song about a prostitute?' I decided since they were so cheap, it would probably be the latter. And since I almost never make my bed (seriously, I'm just going to sleep in it again later anyway) I thought it best not to have sheets that would make me suspiciously nervous about letting people in my bedroom (Kenneth from 30 Rock, anyone?)

Even worse! Satin sheets on a round bed! Combine the sheet-tucking difficulties of a round bed with the nightmare nightstand placement conundrum, and the inevitable revolving effect that a round-bed owner would surely deem necessary, and I can just hear the 911 call now.

"911, what is your emergency?”
"Please, send help! My satin sheets came all untucked from my round-bed, and got stuck in the revolving platform. I got all tangled up in them when I slid off the other side of the bed and I've been revolving around the bed for two days! I couldn't reach my phone until now when my cat knocked it off the nightstand because its against the wall over there. I think I've got a concussion from hitting the floor, some serious rug burn from being dragged around on the carpet, and an alarming number of scratches from my cat batting at my head as I revolved past him. Oh, and severe blood-loss from the finger that alien-lady bit off my hand!”