Politics for Dummies

For 25 years I avoided politics. Ignored blissfully. The closest I have ever come to politics was when Obama came to the bar I worked at in Michigan for a much needed drink after a long talk about HOPE and CHANGE. My view is, politics are like religion. Even when you are on the same side you don't agree on the same things, and when you are on the opposite side its pretty much a matter of life and death. Offend no one or offend everyone. Plus, it never completely affected my life, even after "becoming a grownup". No matter who was in office, I still had to pay my taxes, obey the laws, and go about life in a generally same fashion. Would it be nice if  my government could do certain things, like figure out the economy died because of the amount of debt I was in? I still say that if the government canceled all my loans I'd go out today and buy a car and a house. Would it be nice if i could decide whether or not to buy healthcare? Wear a seatbelt? Sure. But if I could go through a week without worrying about Congress, then it really didn't matter what was going on.

Somehow, this year, I've gotten bit by the political bug. And this is why. I learned a few shocking secrets.

1. The President's job is basically like being a parent in a badly functioning relationship with multiple children. It's not rocket science, but you have to learn to delegate, mediate, and for Goodness Sake Be Honest.

2. Congress is like wiping the toilet seat with paper before you sit down. Unless it's wet, its Totally Pointless.

3. There is no such thing as Republicans and Democrats, only really angry people who call each other stupid names when they disagree with something the other one things. You know who else does that? A 2 year old in a sandbox who just found out that the "poophead" on the swings likes applejuice. Applejuice? Gross. It's all about the chocolate milk. What a freak. I hate to say it, folks, but in the end we really all want the same basic things. Health, happiness, a place to live, enough money, enough food, and the FREEDOM to make our own choices and mistakes. All that stuff that is fought about? It really shouldn't be the government deciding that anyways. Way to nitpick the details so we ignore pressing issues like illegal immigration and a completely failed economy.

4. We (Americans) say we just want a president who understands us. A normal, everyday guy (or girl...ha) who had to struggle to get by just like most of us. The sad news is, unless you are rich, you don't get to run for president. In order to get your issues known, you have to be in press conferences and national debates and on the ballots. In order to have that happen you have to be a serious contender. In order to be a serious contender you have to have lots of advertising and buzz. Without ads, rallies, etc, you only have the internet. Most people don't take the internet seriously - we just aren't of that generation yet. Also, you have to raise a certain amount of money for your campaign in order to even get on the ballot in every state, otherwise you have to pay mucho dinero or get like 5000 signatures of people wanting you. So unless you have a few million or more to throw around, you pretty much don't stand a chance, especially since you can't get large donations from corporations, only "people". Beginning to see why certain people win?

5. Politics shouldn't be a career. I get 4 years or 8 years of being president is hard. Lots of pressure. Lots of death threats. But once you are done, I hate to say it, but get a job. I'm pretty sure you could write a book, be a movie star, or a seriously Kick A Consultant. "One hour with the ex president and your business will thrive!" I don't want to pay for your lavish lifestyle until you kick the bucket. Same for everyone in Congress, and the House, and the Senate. Do I appreciate them? No, not really, because again, its no harder than being in a relationship. Work on it, negotiate, and stop being so damn selfish, and maybe we could get a few things done and you would earn your 200K a year. Maybe.

6. Several years from now, that 1% and that 99% are really going to be "first class" and "peasants". The peasants are mad that the first classers have so much freakin money and aren't spreading it around. It really doesn't seem fair. The first classers are mad that the peasants don't seem to appreciate that much of that money came from their hard work in the beginning. Now if a peasant became a first classer, would they give all their hard earned money away to again become a peasant? Probably not. But at the same time, it does seem pretty crappy that so much money is so unevenly spread. Unfortunately, that's life.

I should probably stop here. I guess what I am getting at is, I feel the need to do something. Vote, maybe. Run for president, maybe. Something to help people get together and recognize that everyone feels the same way and if we could strip away the petty idiocy we could actually make a difference instead of voting in bought yahoos with an agenda - become famous and retire rich.

Well, That Was a Disaster

Back around Thanksgiving we had a big party at work and as gifts, we all received a burlap sack containing a can of pumpkin, a tastefully decorated jar filled with layers of flour and brown sugar and such, and a card on which was written a recipe for pumpkin bread. I've been meaning to try it but haven't gotten around to it yet--too much gingerbread to bake, you know--but I just found a recipe for pumpkin white hot chocolate and remembered that I had that can of pumpkin in the pantry.

I won't give you the recipe here because I'm not convinced it's worthy--although I intend to keep tweaking it--but the gist is that you whisk together milk and pumpkin puree and a variety of appropriate spices, wait for it to get all steamy, and then stir in white chocolate. Present to applause.

I thought the pumpkin looked a little curious in the can. It wasn't a brand I've ever used before, or even one I've seen in the grocery store. I imagine the party planner at work got them in bulk through some sketchy back-alley deal. But I plonked in a sizable dollop and proceeded with the spices.

Well. It was not a success. I poured two big mugs for myself and the hubby, and we both took a sip and just about spat it out. I went back to take a look at the can. On the front it said, "PUMPKIN: 100% Pumpkin!" And on the back it said, in extremely tiny print, "Ingredients: Assorted squash."

Squash hot chocolate. Oh, oh, the awfulness. We'll file that under M for Mistakes I Will Never Make Again.

In Which I Nearly Refuse an Invitation

Here's what happens at my place on Saturdays:

I plonk myself down the couch and surround myself with all manner of cookbooks and magazines. I page through the cookbooks and peruse pretty pictures and imagine what's getting shrively in the fridge and needs to be used up. (In an ideal world I would get up and check the fridge instead of imagining it, but I've already plonked myself down and I don't care to disturb the delicate balance of magazines on my lap.) An hour or so later I have compiled a complete menu for the week and a categorized shopping list. I am intensely proud of my lists and go show them to my husband.

"Do you really want to schedule the whole week?" says he. "Wouldn't it be good to leave a day free for something else that might come up?"

"Nothing will come up," I say. "This is a perfect menu and nothing will change."

"Something always changes," he says. "You've been doing this for a year and we've never yet had a week that perfectly aligned with your menu."

"This week will," I say. I am confident. I go to the store and I procure all manner of produce and meats and extra butter because I dread being out of butter. I come home and put groceries away.

This is usually when the phone rings. Do we want to go out for waffles with friends?

Yes. Absolutely. Push the whole menu back a day and call it good. Not once does my husband say "I told you so." Hurrah.

Tuesday. Cheap night at the movie theater. Do we want to grab Mexican and see a film?

Of course. Yes. Splendid. I stick tonight's fish in the freezer and hope we can finish the watercress before it wilts and command the hubby to have kiwi for lunch tomorrow because no way it makes it to Friday.

The hubby is still not saying he told me so. Bless him.

Friday night. Pizza and wine and Apples to Apples at a friend's house?

No. No. No. Because I was going to make a mango and red onion salad with roasted chicken and probably an orange-honey-sesame dressing, and I have peaches and blackberries defrosting in the fridge at this very moment waiting to go into a cobbler. And it's just not going to hold until Saturday. (Even if it did, Saturday is listed as "Date Night" on the menu and the hubby says I'm not allowed to change it.)

Screw it. Apples to Apples it is. Friends are more important than food. But here's my menu for next week:

Monday: Macaroni with Prego sauce

Tuesday: Frozen broccoli. Possibly rice?

Wednesday: Pizza Hut

Thursday: Meh

Friday: Spaghetti-Os

So come on over, because at the House of Kate you've got a menu you can count on.