So Why Don't I Have a Boyfriend?

“I'm kind of pretty, and pretty damn smart.”

          “You are!”

“Thanks! I like romantic things, like music and art.

     And as you know, I have a gigantic heart!

So why don't I have boyfriend?

     F*@$! It sucks to be me!”

                                            – Avenue Q

The pages of my 'dating diary' are rather empty. I can count on one hand the number of times I've been attracted to someone who was attracted to me at the same time. I'm reasonably certain there have been a few times where I was attracted to someone after they were attracted to me, but that is sadly unhelpful in the grand scheme of things.

So I wonder, what's wrong with me?

The pat response is, of course, nothing is wrong with you! You just haven't found the right guy yet. Or, you would be such a great girlfriend/wife. It just takes time. You're still young. There are lots of people your age who are still single. Of course you're going to get married.

I don't mean to be the Debbie Downer at the pep rally or anything, but my record, as it stands, indicates otherwise. I'm just being realistic, at this point. And despite what people say, I am past the average age of women who get married, so my odds are only going down.

So again, I ask, what's wrong with me?  

Because seriously, not to play the bitch card, but I personally know girls who I think are less attractive than even my rather dim outlook of my own personal appeal, and others who have all the personality of a brick, who have managed to attain, maintain and retain a spouse. Even including my appearance, there are quite a few things that I like about myself. I mean, come on...I'm hilarious! So what is it, exactly, about my genetic/environmental/situational cocktail that has thus far prevented any mutually beneficial partnerships of the romantic type from being willingly contracted? I would really like to know. Because I'm quite sure, myself, that I'm rather well-suited to the role.

Why I'd be an awesome girlfriend/wife/kept woman:

Number One: I have all the necessary, requisite parts. This is sort of 'Being a Girl 101', but it bears mentioning. Biologically, I'm all set.

Number Two: I like men. I can imagine that it would be kind of difficult to be in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex if you were constantly working against your dislike for him just for being of that gender. I'm rather sure it would become an issue at some point.

Number Three: I am interested in being in a relationship. If not, it would be like that time I tried to become a runner. (If you don't even have the least bit of interest in actually doing any running, it's kind of impossible to achieve.)

Number Four: I have mastered the balance between bra-burning feminism and retiring femininity. I appreciate chivalry: opening doors, pulling out chairs, giving over of jackets. It makes me feel delicate and precious and giggly, and just generally 'swoon-y'. (Side note: swoon is a weird word. Say it five times fast. Swoon swoon swoon swoon swoon. It kind of makes you dizzy. ::nudge nudge:: pun INTENDED!) But at the same time, I don't need the extra consideration, just because I'm a girl. God blessed me with two functioning arms and the foresight to bring my own friggin' coat if I need it, just like any man.

Number Five: In that vein, I have a job. By which I mean to say, if a man wants to buy me dinner, I'm all for that. If a man wants to go to dinner with me, I am completely willing and able to buy my own meal. Just because I lack a Y a chromosome does not mean I lack the ability to pay for things. (Seriously ladies, don't you ever feel like a sponge letting your boyfriend pay for you all the time*? Don't you think he'd like it if you bought him dinner every once in awhile?) This, of course, does not apply when becoming a kept woman. Him paying for everything is just part of the deal, in that case.

* Obviously, the case for spouses is a bit different, given shared finances and what-not. In my house, my mom is the one who pays for everything because she's the bill-payer. My dad just gets an allowance.

Number Six: I like televised sports well enough to participate in the activity. Unless it's basketball. Even golf is better than basketball.

Number Seven: Parents love me. What's that saying about a lady on the streets and a... well, you get the idea.

Number Eight: I'm not insane. Especially for a girl, I'm rather appropriately mentally balanced. I do not get mad for no reason. And if I am mad, I will gladly share with you the reason why if you ask. I do not cry for no reason. In fact, I don't really cry that often at all. My little sister likes to tease me about my older sister's wedding. 'I was bawling my eyes out, and Evelyn just let one, perfect, elegant tear run down her face.' What can I say? I like to keep it classy.

Number Nine: I like to make other people happy. Naturally, I like it when other people want to make me happy, too; but there is just something so satisfying about putting a smile on another person's face.

Number Ten: I am fantastic at snuggling.